Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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