Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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