Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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