At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
