if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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