All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
