I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
