last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
