You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
