Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
