Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
