My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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