I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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