Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
