You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
