bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
