Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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