Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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