I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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