You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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