...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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