Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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