When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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