Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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