did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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