My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
