Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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