: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
