I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hello my rib-scented angel!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
