is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
