I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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