Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just had sex on a roof
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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