you traded sex for a burrito?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
