If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
