Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
