i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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