Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
