just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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