no, he came in my armpit
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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