Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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