I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
