i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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