So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't deserve a penis
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
