In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
