i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
