Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
