I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
