I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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