My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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