tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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