first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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